Friends: Anita, Aleks and Brett really let me down, with the dog and the housing. It was good in the end, because I was able to see their true colors before signing a lease with them and then getting screwed. Still, it hurt to be given their word and then disappointed. I was so excited to be independent again and live with some fun roommates. Oh well. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I just have to be patient. And I might never fully trust them again. Time will tell.

I miss Nicole like crazy. It was so great to see her over break, even for a few days. Every time I'm around her, I remember how much we make each other laugh. Her constant faith is an inspiration to me. She is so supportive, and I'm grateful for that.

Mel is going into the Air Force. It was a huge shock. Hopefully, it will make her happy. Only she can know what her heart desires, and hopefully this is it.

Jenny also inspires me. She's working and raising a child, not by choice, but lovingly nonetheless. It's cool to have someone whose career path is similar to mine, because I can look to what she's already accomplished for guidance.

Faith: My faith has been waning lately. I feel really anxious. I know God is there, but I don't really feel Him. I'm really going to make it a priority to go to church every week. I need a change. I need to know that He is impacting the choices I make and helping to improve my life.

Health: My back's been hurting on and off for over 3 months. Hopefully I'll get into the doctor's office this week, and possibly get an MRI. The pain has been affecting my schooling (I can't concentrate or walk the campus very well or carry much in my backpack) and my working out (I can only do the bike and yoga, and not even those all the time). I'm fed up with being in pain and I'm ready for it to go away.

I want to go back on the liquid diet. I've put about 20 lbs back on since August, and I'm not happy about it. I thought I was ready to eat again, but I just have too many other things to think about. I'm not happy with my appearance, which makes me depressed, which makes me eat, which makes me more depressed, and so on. It's a horrible cycle that I need to get out of now. I want to lose 30-40 lbs before Europe so that I can fully enjoy it.

Romance: I still don't have a boyfriend. Or even a date. Maybe once I love myself, I'll be able to let someone else love it too.

Mom and Mike are getting married. It's exciting, but also a little scary. Change is always intimidating. But I'm helping plan the engagement party and everything, which is neat.

School: School is crazy. It's really busy, but I like it. Well, most of it. My online classes are great, and I like chemistry. But biology is so incredibly boring. The teacher is the epitome of a bad teacher. Mondays, it's the only class I have, and I never want to go. I love the subject, but the class is horrible. I need to find some sort of motivation to do well, because I'd like to make the Dean's List again.



A lot of changes are going on. I'm really excited to get my puppy. Mica's coming with me, so it will be really fun. I'm also ready to get my body back, so the diet and exercise should really help. I'm scared to change, but I'm also ready to embrace it. I need change. I have faith it will be good.

Brad gave me this exercise to hopefully provide insight into why I can't drop this weight. Hopefully this will help me to let go of this fat that's hindering my life.



I like my eating habits because I get to eat whatever sounds good. I don’t have to monitor what I put in my mouth. I can eat whenever and wherever I’d like. My eating habits let me have one less thing to worry about in my life. I can eat what makes me happy; what sounds good. I don’t have to focus on making “good” decisions. My eating habits comfort me. When I’m feeling sad or lonely, I know food will be there to make the pain a little more bearable. Food makes things better in the moment. My eating habits allow me to blame them for my weight. My eating habits let me be in control.

I like my weight because it cushions me. If someone doesn’t like me, my weight is probably to blame. Although I want to have a boyfriend, I also don’t want to have a boyfriend because I’m scared to know what that type of love feels like. My weight keeps guys at bay because I’m not attractive. I don’t feel attractive, and I don’t project a confident vibe. I don’t accept my body, and I don’t allow others to see it as beautiful. My weight keeps me from getting too close to people. My weight allows for me to be injured. My weight allows for excuses. My weight allows for me to hide. Only the people who see past my body know the true me. Everyone else just knows the image that I choose to project. My weight lets me decide who to let in, who to trust. My weight lets me be in control.

I like my lifestyle because I don’t have to put myself first. I am allowed to put all my focus on other people and I don’t have to reflect on my life. I like my lifestyle because I can put my energy into the things that are important to me—my schooling, my work, my friends and family—and I get to choose what those priorities are. I don’t have to focus on the things that make me uncomfortable. My lifestyle lets me be in control.

i don't know how long it will take for me to be okay with the fact that you're gone. so until i'm okay, i will try to make the best of it. maybe if i focus on how amazing you were, i will not dwell on the fact that i won't see you again. maybe if i think about how you would always make me turkey sandwiches, cut diagonally and without even a hint of crust, i'll feel better. how you made us mac & cheese at least once a day whenever we would visit. how every birthday card, christmas card, and easter card had little animals or kids on the front, and how you would always label them with our names. how your handwriting was so hard for me to read when i was little because it was in cursive. how you smoked all the time, but never in front of us, as if you knew how horrible your habit was and you wanted to protect us. how you always said, "oh, john!" anytime dad said something even a little inappropriate. how you called it white french farm. how you didn't mind when we corrected you, even though you were older and could have easily put us in our place. how your house never changed, at all. how you never changed. how ridiculously strong you were, how stubborn, how resilient. how you never showed weakness, and you felt like crying when you had to ask for help. how you loved us more than life itself. how you would do anything we asked of you, even if it meant making alex raisinbread toast four times in one day. how you raised two kids by yourself, worked full time, and yet never complained about the past. maybe if i focus on these things, i will focus less on the last time that i saw you. on the time that i saw everyone i hadn't seen in a long time, but how it wasn't good at all because it meant you weren't there. how it takes me two weeks to cry for you. how i feel horrible because i didn't call you one more time, or sound more concerned when you told me how you were doing. how i feel horrible because you're gone. forever. how i don't know how to cope with this. how i feel sad. again. on top of everything else. i hope you're up there. i hope you can see me. i hope you know that i miss you. because i do. a lot. even though i didn't see you very often, i loved you more than i can say. how many times does a person have to learn to appreciate what she's got before it's too late? i know, eventually, it will be alright. but right now, it's not. i miss you. you were incredible. goodbye.

Dear Jane,
I'm sorry, but this relationship is over. I'm tired of being the one calling you, emailing you, asking concerned questions about you. You say we are "friends," and yet this relationship feels very one-sided to me. We used to be pretty close. And then something changed. I don't really know what, so all I can do is guess. I think you are afraid of change. Terrified by it. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just a difference between you and I. We've been through a lot, and we've both gained something out of this relationship. I've learned to accept my past and grow from it. I've learned (again) that I need to rely on God to get me through. I've learned that I'm good at taking care of people. I'm not sure what you've learned, but my guess is that you've learned to appreciate your family more. You don't take life for granted as much. You've seen what a toxic boyfriend looks like.
I've known you for only a few months. You promised you'd stay in touch after I left. But you haven't. I don't know if you're busy or what. My gut instinct tells me that you've gone back to some of the things you used to do, and you're scared to tell me. You know what you are doing is wrong, and you don't want to verbalize it to someone else, because then you will have to deal with it. I think the shortest conversation we ever had was 20 minutes long, and sometimes we'd talk for almost 2 hours. You helped me laugh when I was depressed, and I comforted you in your times of need. In the pit of my stomach, I always thought this relationship was one-sided. I made you laugh and I made you feel better, but you did not always return the favor. Sure, you said "thank you" more times than I can count. But I did feel taken advantage of. There's a fine line between accepting your friend's help and making them put you before everything else. You crossed it.
Your friendship has helped me grow immensely. Thank you for that. You made me even more solid in my beliefs. You helped me move on and mature. I don't understand why you feel like now you have to hide something from me. You sent me a text saying you hadn't forgotten about me, you'd just been busy with spring break and some other stuff. I said "that's ok" (again) and wrote you an email, telling you what I've been up to. You didn't reply. I honestly don't know if you deliberately are avoiding me or if you just don't value me enough to call me. It doesn't really matter. You don't care enough about me to make a change. That's ok.
It's just time to move on. You are stagnate, and I am anything but. I am molding my life into everything I want it to be, and you are sitting on your heels, taking things however they come.
You were one of the most challenging friends I've ever had. You asked me to sacrifice my free time for you. I did, to a point, and then I realized that I was worth more than that. You went out with Bud less than a month after breaking up with Gabe. I told you that it wasn't a good idea, because you two had issues from the beginning. You eventually agreed with me, and went to break up with him, only to find out that you were pregnant. I told you I'd fully support you either way, but we both knew I thought you should keep it. You decided to get an abortion. It broke my heart. I told you how I felt, because I needed to be honest with you. You said you appreciated the honesty, but I don't know that you really did. I called you afterward, to let you know I was still your friend. You asked me devastating questions about heaven, which I didn't know how to answer. You were trying to justify what you did, but it's not really a justifiable action.
But I did everything I could to support you. I hated what you did, but you were my friend. And it's not my place to judge you. I thought you knew that I am not a judgmental person, but perhaps you didn't. Some of the decisions you made went completely against everything I believe in, but I was still there for you. I was not going to desert you in your time of need. I was always there.
I was always there with food, with coffee, with a hug. I helped you organize your life. I helped you find some clarity. I was the best friend that I knew how to be. Well, now it's my time of need. And I don't even know you. I don't know where you are, or what you're doing. True, my moment of need is not a crisis, but it is still a learning experience.
Luckily for me, I don't need you anymore. I have so many friends, so many supporters. I am changing for the better. I guess I just wanted to get this stuff off my chest. I am grateful for parts of our friendship. You did teach me things about myself, and you helped me realize what I am capable of. So thanks. And I deeply hope that you are able to find yourself, and have a happy, fulfilling life.
Best wishes,
Chelsea

i'm sad. i think mostly because i'm tired. we scrapbooked this weekend, which was good. i got 30 pages done, all of junior year and the beginning of senior. but my back went into a spasm. it hasn't for a couple months, so i thought it was done with that business. i guess not. then i spent today doing homework, joy. i am so flipping ready for summer. i watched marie antoinette, it was boring. argh, i feel so blah. tomorrow i have to drive out to boulder, which sucks. but after tomorrow, i only have to go up there 3 more times. i'm ready for that job to be over. i'm excited for the concert, i'm more excited to see my friends. way too long time, no see. i'm ready for them to make me laugh and sing in the car and make movies.

30 FREAKING POUNDS. I almost started crying. This week was so hard. I was starving. Only I didn't want to eat anything that I was supposed to. I was craving any- and everything. I literally got in the car and was fighting with myself because I wanted to go to Wendy's so bad. But I didn't! I called Nicole, and we talked. It distracted me and her encouragement was just what I needed. So thanks, Nicole Mel, your constant support is astounding. You always know how to make me see the upside and smile. I can't wait until the three of us are united again.

Other than that...random thoughts: classes are almost over (!), i've started working out again (!!), roxie's still not a fatty, but she's getting there, alex has his car, i need to find a job, i am working on keeping God at my core, i can't wait to be watching Grey's with the bffs, mel's coming tomorrow (!!!), having coffee with hollin today (!), i can't wait to meet jenny's niece.

only 21 days until i'm 19. yes!

so i FINALLY feel like i have some direction. i am going to school. this summer and this fall. i'm getting a job. i am taking control over my body, my health, my life. i am making changes. good changes. i am figuring out my priorities. i'm learning to say no, to put myself first, that it's OK to be a little selfish sometimes. i enjoy shopping again. i can't wait to find a cute bathing suit. i want to be busy and active again. i'm no longer obsessed with sleeping. i want to seize the day, every day.

pastor robert talked about facing giants on sunday. he said that we will always face giants in our lives. and that we can defeat these giants by relying on God. i realized that He is putting me against the greatest giant i've ever seen. i feel like i still can't even see the giant in its entirety. i can just see its huge feet, but when i look up, he's surrounded by clouds. but i can tell by his feet that he is a giant. a gigantic giant. he's throwing his worst at me, trying to wound me, make me bleed, make me surrender. he chucks cravings at my stomach. he shoots darts of doubt into my head. he places tantalizing spreads of food at my feet. food that, in reality, doesn't taste as good as it looks. he is slinging everything he can at me. sometimes, i waiver. but i refuse to fall. i may get cut, and i may bleed, but eventually, the bleeding will stop. this giant can only inflict surface wounds on me. because i have the hidden shield: God. He has always been there, a protective suit of armor. He lets me fight my own battles so that i can grow stronger. but when i am on the verge of collapsing, He steps in. He lets me learn, experience, indulge my curiosities. but He is always there. He has faith in me. much stronger than my faith in Him. He knows what i am capable of, even more so than i do. He slowly heals the scars of my past, peels away the layers that i have been using to hide in, layers that used to bring comfort. but i am done with these layers. they are merely excess now, and i am done with them. as He peels each layer away, he teaches me something about myself. His confidence in me keeps me going. and when i won't listen to Him, He speaks to me in other ways. He has given me other tools to fight this giant. just when i begin to surrender, Nicole's words turn into a knife, nimbly cutting the giant's shoelaces so he stumbles. just when i want to lie down and sleep for a long time, Melanie's words turn into a shield, protecting me from his blows, and reminding me of how far i've come. God will not let me fail. i may falter, i may stumble. i may sob, whine, complain, attack. but i WILL succeed. He knows it, and finally, so do i. i finally know what i am capable of. and i refuse to settle for anything else. the giant may win the battle, but i will win the war. he will be defeated.

it is just food. i am worth so much more than that. my health, my strength, my happiness, are worth so much more than that. it is raining. pouring. once again, i was struggling, clubbing the giant in an attempt to overcome my hunger. so He made it rain. the giant became confused, and retreated. i found something to eat. now i am replenished and the giant is soaking wet and puzzled.

carpe diem.

sanjaya got voted off american idol. finally. i just got done watching it and i am happy about that.

talked to nicole for a while today, it was fun. i miss her. talking to her just reminds me of how close summer is. and it makes me really really excited. i don't even know what i'm doing this summer, but i am already stoked.

hopefully i can do some sort of internship or something. and then i'm thinking maybe cna, maybe a daycare, maybe barnes and noble. i'm not even a little worried about it. i'll get a job somewhere and earn money. and still have time to enjoy summer.

it will be a little harder since mel lives far away now, but i know we'll make it work. plus, mini roadtrips are always fun. singing our lungs out, taking backroads, eating at long lost pizza places. sa-weet.

i am beyond ready to quit my boulder job. i think i'm going to tell her that my last day is may 10. after that, if she wants to pay me to do projects and stuff, i'll be happy to. but i'm sick of driving up there and i'm sick of her. she is so flighty and random; it drives me crazy. one day she's totally hands off, "i trust whatever you think is best," and other days she's practically breathing down my neck, second-guessing everything i'm doing. too much stress and it's not worth it. yesterday she called and was like "i need to you to come up here." on my day off. i was like "no sorry." it felt good to stick up for myself. if she wants to be all over the place, that's fine. but i'm not going to spend two days out of each week driving 90 miles and getting stressed out.

i lost another 3.5 pounds, totaling 17.2 on the program and 27 total. my goal for next week is to lose 4 more, which will put me almost 1/3 of the way there! ah! it's very exciting. i wish it was getting easier to not be eating, but it isn't. i don't know how much longer i can stay on the liquid diet. but it's very effective, so it feels worth it.

classes are almost over, which is exciting. and it turns out i need both of them are pre-reqs for nursing school, which i didn't even know when i signed up for them. bonus. i've decided i am going to be taking classes fall semester. most likely anatomy, stats, spanish and photography. i'm actually a little excited about it. i feel like i finally have some direction and it's promising.

so...finally. sanjaya's gone. summer's here (almost). i have a prospective career. i get to see my best friends again. finally.

it's been a struggle, but it's been worth it. change isn't easy. but it's good.

so i found out about this job called a nurse-midwife. it sounds really cool. you're a nurse first, so you get that experience. then you train to become a midwife. you get to do prenatal, labor & delivery, postnatal, and other sorts of care. and you can work in a hospital or clinic or your own office. it sounds really appealing. it's the first job that has grabbed my interest in a long time. i don't know how realistic it is, but i'm definitely going to look into it more. and they have a nurse-midwife program at UCD, so i could possibly train there. i'm pretty excited. but i'm still up in the air. so far, this seems like a good combination of hardcore doctoring and sketchy midwifery. kind of a mix of eastern and western medicine. i need to find out more information about becoming an RN and everything. i'm glad that this is now another possibility for me to consider. who knows what will happen? for now, i'm just rolling with the punches. and giving my future a little nudge in the "pick a job" direction.

i am so tired. i thought i was no longer sick. and then i had to work for 7 hours and my body started yelling at me. as i was making confirmation calls, my voice slowly transformed from normal to a frog-man croak. very attractive. luckily work was low key, so i was able to function even though my head was still cloudy. the snow and fog outside matched my feelings exactly. hazy, but comforting. cold, but temporary. it was the first time i was glad to see snow since the blizzard mania in december.

i went over to tracie's yesterday to take some pictures so she could put stuff on craig's list. i didn't say anything about the babysitting fiasco. partly because i was sick. partly because i'm scared to. but i really do need to make sure she knows how disrespected i felt. so i will tell her. soon.

roxie has become queen somehow. she is a whiner, so it's just easier to give in. we refuse to give her any human food, so she constantly whines and begs while we eat. eventually she goes and lies down, with this pitiful look on her face. and now she has a "spot" on the couch. if someone's sitting there when she wants to be sitting there, she'll whine and even howl until she gets her spot. pathetic. cute, but pathetic nonetheless. i can't wait for her to be a fatty.

there's a couple of people who i haven't heard from in a while. i don't know if it's because everyone and their mom is insanely busy right now, or if they won't be a big part of my life anymore. i am changing. i kind of think i will grow apart from a few of them, because they aren't changing. not because they're content with their lives, they just haven't chosen to make a change. i also think this is why i lost some friendships in the past. it's interesting to look back on.

on the other hand, there are people that i am talking to more than ever. i love it. i love them. i wouldn't be able to change without them. it's nice to have them in my life. it's essential to have them when i am struggling. they are able to kill the doubts in my mind. they show me the whole picture. i just hope i can return the favor. i hope i can help someone as much as they help me. i just hope they realize how much they do help.

alex has a license. thank goodness. finally. FINALLY. not that i don't love being his chauffeur. haha right.

i can't even remember what i wrote yesterday. sad. i need to sleep.

i'm leaning more towards not going to castaway. but i still haven't decided. i need to talk to kendal. i want to get a job or volunteer somewhere cool. i need to pick classes. i need to send my transcripts to UCD. all 3 of them. boo. transferring sucks, ps.

i'm vair glad it's the weekend. i have to work tomorrow, but just until 1. then i'm free until monday. sa-weet. hanging out with T tomorrow, she and mike broke up. it's really hard for me to know what she's going through. so i just try to listen and be supportive. then sunday i'm hanging out with jenny. she's going to be an aunt again! very exciting. hopefully everything goes well. other than that, no plans but relaxing and reading. i have become a readaholic. i read shopaholic&baby in like 3 days. it was so good. now i'm reading vanishing acts. i'm only 50 pages in but it's already amazing. hooray for reading!

i really need some new iPod playlists. like happy ones, inspirational ones, fun ones. with underplayed songs. i should get on that. once my brain returns to normal clarity.

only 27 days until summer. yes.

i am craving pizza. specifically cheese pizza from the Hut. i want it so bad. but, as i keep reminding myself, pizza lasts for one day, while a healthy body is my life goal. so pizza vs. health, who wins? logically, it's no contest. but in my mind, it's a different story.

i want to learn guitar. really really a lot. i love music. i've wanted to learn guitar forever. plus, it will be a good distraction (like during times when i am about to call pizza hut). it's really weird, because with almost everything i do, i start with a main purpose in mind. but i don't want to learn guitar to be in a band, or become famous, or perform. i just want to learn it for me.

i'm desperate to travel. mexico, costa rica, spain, europe, anywhere. i want a vacation. i want to get away. i want to meet new people, go new places, speak in a different language. spain feels like eons ago, not last summer. i want to go. soon.

i might have found a drink that i can have at starbucks. an iced breve latte with sugar free syrup. i just have to ok it with the nutritionist. fingers crossed. i miss coffee.

i want to figure out how to do what i love. i love babies, photography, design, spanish, traveling. i don't know if i want to be a nurse, doctor, midwife, surgeon. i have so many things up in the air. i don't even know if i want to take classes next semester. i feel like i'm in limbo between two lives-my childhood, the past 18 years of my life, & my adulthood, the future years of my life. it's weird. sometimes, i'm perfectly fine with it. i am sure that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. other times, it completely freaks me out and i panic because i have an uncertain future. i hate to rush ahead. but i'm so scared that nothing will happen.

i don't want to be stagnant. i know that i am not finished changing. i just don't know how long the transformation is going to take. ack.

i'm confused about my place at the well. i haven't heard from kendal lately and i really don't know what i should be doing. i don't even know for sure if i'm going to castaway this summer. i think it would be an incredible experience. but i also desperately want to see my tangly-hearted, tattoo-fanatic friends ;). i want to go to concerts and to costa rica, i want to go on roadtrips and save up money. i don't know. really really don't.

i'll be waiting to see what april brings. perhaps turning 19 in a month will give me some clarity. or perhaps it will leave me feeling even more confused. as of right now, i'm waiting in limbo, dancing like a maniac to hellogoodbye.

i just realized tonight that i haven't prayed since monday. it scared me. God is so important to me, and i never want to put Him aside. i am so caught up in this diet and school and feeling sick that i'm not thinking of anything but myself. i really want, i really need, to make prayer a priority in my life. i don't know if i need to be reading the bible more, having more quiet times, journaling, something else or a combination of everything. all i do know is that something needs to change. i need to continue to be grateful for everything He has blessed me with. without Him, i would be nothing. i want to keep Him at the core of my being. i guess i need to have faith that i will always have faith. i need to pray that i will pray more. it's almost ironic, that i have to ask God to help me pray to Him. but i know He has a plan and that everything will work out. in the midst of all the chaos, He will help me find clarity. i must, once again, rely on faith to get me through.

feeling like crap today, so i did nothing but watch tv. quite relaxing actually. just got back from visiting nicole, which was sooo much fun. i love that girl. at the airport, got rushed onto this other plane because mine was going to be delayed. so i got to denver but my bag didn't. so i got my stuff delivered this morning, which was...eh. i wished i had my bag, but apparently the other flight didn't even fly out until this morning, so it worked out well. i'd rather be at home without my bag than at the omaha airport with my bag. it sucks being sick, all i want is some comfort food. but no food allowed. it's worth it, but it's hard. i found out i lost another 5 lbs, so down 23 lbs since january. yay! i can fit into clothes that i haven't worn in a while. getting my nails rebased tomorrow, and then working thurs-sat. hooray for a new grey's on thurs. alex is beyond grounded for having terrible grades. roxie is slowly becoming a fatty. other than that, no news. i must decide what i am doing with my life, i.e. summer, school, job, etc. no big deal. except it's a huge deal. but i have faith it will all work out. off to watch more tv and begin to feel better, fingers crossed.